Things I Want That I Can't Buy Yet

A new winter coat. This one (from Jessica London) is actually a lighter into-winter kind of jacket, but look how cute it is! It's only available in a bright green now, since it's on clearance for about $34. Yeah, no shit!



I really want some less wide legged jeans. I've got two pairs from Lane Bryant (like this pair) but they are super long and wide leggy. Not the best thing to pair with all my billowy, trying-to-hide-my-gut tops. This pair, by the by, is like $70. There is no way in hell I'd spend that much on a pair of JEANS!



I've been seeing feather headbands all over the place the past couple of months, but they usually cost upwards of $35. I've been stalking this one (and it's Blue Almond shade twin) since May on Urban Outfitters. It's under 20 bucks, which is much more reasonable, but I still want it to be cheaper. The UO fuckers refuse to put them on sale! And I really want two! Come on guys, $10 per feather head thingie seems fair...right?



Um, this is from IKEA and I WANT IT REALLY REALLY BAD. I mean, look at the color! Holy shitballs, it's adorable! And I don't just want this 'cause it's seriously cute, either. One of the issues with our small house is the lack of storage space. There are only THREE CLOSETS in the whole place, and one of those (the coat closet) isn't even deep enough for HANGERS. That's right, y'all, everything hanging in there has to be tilted to one side for it to fit. Unbelievably irritating. Also, we have a ton of blankets, pillows, towels and other sundry items that are either sitting out right now or crammed into unacceptable places. I need some order, people! Though, I have to say, at over 300 big ones this might not be enough bang for our bucks considering how much crap we need room for.



Flowers...ummmmm. Right now I have some mini calla lilies slowly dying in our living room. I've had them for almost a month, so considering that they are holding up rather well. I wish I could buy fresh flowers every couple of weeks. Enough for the living room and our bedroom. This shot is from a recent Domino magazine.



Speaking of magazines? I'm an absolute magazine whore. I haven't been able to renew my Essence subscription, my Lucky is about to run out and I wanted to start one for BUST. The Lucky is only $12 so I can swing that one, but both the others are 18 bucks! Who do they think they are? At least I can get Essence at the library, but not BUST. One of my favorite things to do is rip pretty pictures out of magazines, but with our current financial state, I've been trying to resale them on ebay, so, no rippy-ripperson for me.

I've also wanted to renew my flickr pro account, get a photo book made of our wedding and honeymoon pics and sign up for lynda to get some software training. No go so far.

And, people? I cannot express how badly I want to buy random makeup and beauty products. Do you know how hard it is to not make impulse purchases? Even cheap, under $10 ones? How hard it is to know that $4 here and 6 bucks there could mean not making HUBS' car payment on time (like this month)?

We've also decided to hold off on some household improvements. Like staining and waterproofing the deck this year. And getting a new toilet seat. (The finish is coming off of ours. Has that ever happened to anyone? Because I, for one, have never lived in a place where this occurred. How fucking cheap must our toilet seat be?!)

What do you guys want that you can't actually buy yet?

Apparently...It's Monday

My weekend wasn't the suckiest possible ever, but it wasn't as eventful as I'd wanted either.

In my new effort to have HUBS and I start doing stuff with our free time instead of just sitting at home on the computer or putzing around the house, I wanted us to go to the Forest Park Ballon Glow and Race on Friday and Saturday. Follow the link...see! Doesn't that look cool! I had never been to the race and hadn't been to the glow in about 10 years. I thought with my new fangled camera I could really get some great shots.

First, though, we went to a rally for the school district HUBS works for. This may sound horrible, but the only reason we went was the free food. I know, you guys, we have no school spirit at all. But, the food was from one of our favorite Mexican places, Qdoba, and we haven't been there since our wedding night date back on July 19. So really, can you blame us?

What comes next is the story of how I'm a pussy who gets angry a lot and shoots herself in the foot, because the traffic to get into the park? The worst I've ever seen. I went the easiest way to get there, and it took us about 20 minutes just to get off the highway because of traffic. Then, when we finally got to the street we needed there was a SOLID line of cars in front of us in all three lanes.

I became enraged (something that's become quite common during my unemployment). When the light turned green you couldn't even move, there were so many cars in front of us. I considered using one of the dozen or so other park entrances but punked out, turned around, and brought us home. HUBS made french fries and we watched a couple of Netflix selections. I was upset with myself for not doing what I set out to do just because of all the assholes trying to do the same thing (who, really, weren't assholes), but I had fries so I was better.

Needless to say, we also did not go to the race on Saturday. I got tired thinking about the traffic and so HUBS and I took a nap instead. I woke up about three hours later, exercised (yay, me), called my mom and made HUBS help me clean up the kitchen so I could cook blueberry pancakes and eggs for dinner. We ate while having a Buffy-athon.

Sunday was all about his folks coming to visit. We looked at wedding pictures, they gave us some food from their garden, and went out to eat. They usually pay for all of us when we go to dinner, but didn't this time. Luckily for us, they also brought along a $25 check someone had sent them for us so we actually had money to pay for our meal. Because, you know, the $1.79 that was in our account wouldn't have cut it.

Weekend

Oddly enough, even though I don't go to work anymore I still really love the weekend, or the idea of the weekend. Mostly I think it's because HUBS is home and we can watch movies and chill and surf the internet together (separate computers).

I also hate weekends a little bit, too. Every Sunday I have to finish applying for jobs for the week so I can send in my report to the unemployment people and get my check for the coming week. I almost always end up crying when I search job boards because it takes forever to find something decent to apply to. Here's how the paranoia goes: I don't find any jobs worth applying to, I have to lie about the number of jobs to the unemployment office, they exercise their right to have me show proof that I sent out a certain number of resumes and find out I lied and send me to prison.

Have a great weekend everyone. Pray for me...

Long Time Gone

I know. Before yesterday's post it'd been over a month since I posted anything. Honestly I'm feeling a little boring right now, not to mention stressed.

See, the wedding fervor (as reletively minor as it was) is over and so is the honeymoon. I'm even over longing to be back on vacation. Now there's only one thing on my plate again...job searching. It's boring and scary and I feel lonely and useless quite often. How fun would it be to read about that everyday? Right, well imagine actually feeling it and writing about it all the time.

I've been out of work for a full 9 months. I've had 2 interviews that went nowhere and gotten not-even-part-time work as a freelance writer/photographer for a website. Sending my resume's to friends and asking for leads didn't help. Signing up for numerous networking sites hasn't helped.



Money is really tight, and when I say tight I mean HUBS and I have roughly $400 leftover every month for non-bills. It has to take care of groceries, gas in the cars, perscriptions, doc visits, personal grooming products, etc. Not to mention all the little household extras that pop up. Like the tree that was uprooted in our backyard because of the remnants of Ike (see the above tree that used to stand up straight). The cost to remove said tree before it crushes our fence and neighbor's dog house (maybe with dog in it)? Around $500. This money is also know as things-we-put-on-credit-card-because-we've-used-all-our-savings-and-this-is-kinda-urgent. We've used a lot of that kind of money and the bills are now outrageously high.

Any ideas? From anyone? How the fuck do I get a decent paying job that won't bore me to tears? For me that means something where I can write creatively or take pictures or help with marketing or pr. What the shit am I doing wrong?

Again with the Phelps

So, just when HUBS and I were finally getting over our Olympic-based Phelps Fatigue (HUBS' phrase), the boy had to go and host the season premiere of SNL. I fully admit that I couldn't commit to watching it. I'd surf over to my local NBC station, sit for a few seconds and then start flipping channels again. It's not like I have anything against the guy, I just got tired of ALL THE PHELPS LOVE ALL THE TIME. Like other folks weren't winning gold medals.

Back to SNL. Did Lil' Wayne's second song make anyone else feel like they were going to have a seizure? How about a stroke? Actually, now that I see him in that photo I realize that that's enough to cause me to seize out.

Pre-Wedding Prep

First off, let me just say that I know it's been eons since I posted on a regular basis. July really took it outta me. Even though we had a relatively simple, small wedding (we invited about 75 people) it was still a nerve-wracking process. I took it upon myself to get creative and actually make some stuff myself.


Like the invitations. I used postcards because the postage is still kinda cheap and just asked people to rsvp to my email or phone number. I got card stock which ended up being too thick for the stupid printer at Kinko's (I had to use their card stock, since I'd intended to use my own, though, they didn't charge me for it), flowered rubber stamps, ink pads in gold and purple, and played around with free fonts until I found a cool one. I think they turned out well.


I also made the programs myself. I used another free font that I found and even made a monogram myself. This wasn't as hard as it seems, but because I got angry every step of the way, it took longer. Getting the positioning of everything on the program right took quite a bit of time. I wanted it big enough so that our old relatives could read it and yet small enough to fit on one page. HUBS helped, and we finally got it to work. I forgot to have them printed early, so we had to run to Kinko's RIGHT BEFORE we left for the wedding. So, um, we were late...We meant to get to the hall at 11am and instead it was more like 11:20. We got there and pretty much everyone we invited was already there looking at us like we were crazy because we weren't ready yet. After all that, you know what? Hardly anybody took a program. I'm still pissed about that...


I made the flower girl "basket" myself. This was actually a cone made from card stock that I stamped with one of my invite stamps and ran a ribbon through for a handle. If you try this, use regular paper, the card stock is harder to cone-ify.



I also made simple bouquets for myself and my one attendant, my Lady of Honor (I don't like Matron of Honor, who can feel cool with that title?). That's her above with the flowers. Doesn't she look pretty? Since I was a total lazy-ass the day before the wedding, I had to run around right before closing to the stores I was planning to get my flowers from. I didn't even know what exactly I wanted, I just knew I wanted white and purple if possible. I tried Trader Joe's first, but they were closed when I got there. I drove like a maniac down the street to Whole Foods. I considered lots of different flowers, but most of them, though pretty, were very stem-y. Meaning, they'd take a lot of work to get in bouquet-carrying form. I was about to walk off with peonies or something when I spotted cheap ($5 a bunch), small, purple and white mini calla lilies. I got two purple bunches, one white and one where each flower had both colors and left a happy woman. I made the bouquets the following morning, that's right, a couple of hours before the wedding. I may be the best procrastinator in the UNIVERSE.



I had my regular hair lady perfect my do for the hitchin' day, but I was not about to get up at the crack of dawn. I went in the day before, around 6pm. I got out a lot later than I thought I would and this is why I was rushing around looking for flowers at 10pm that night. My mom got her hair done at basically the same time. Here we are in our rollers, which is comical mostly because we NEVER get our hair set in rollers. EVER. And, because we look silly.


Also, I would like to take this opportunity to apologize publicly to HUBS. See, I don't know if you remember, but around mid-June I decided to stop taking my depression meds. I had headaches and dizzy spells for about two weeks because of it and thought everything was ok then. But, around July 1 I began to experience the worst mood swings of my entire life. HUBS and I both think it was the last vestiges of me coming down off my meds. I would spend one day crying almost all day, and then the next day I'd be furious all day about everything. And we aren't talking regular anger, either. I would yell and scream and curse and throw things and hit things, I even hurt my hand so bad after an episode that I had to put a heat patch on it and it was sore for several days. This back and forth lasted right up until July 19, the day of the wedding. Then, I was fine. And, thank God, I've been fine since. So, HUBS, I'm sorry and thanks for listening to my rants, getting out of the way when I threw stuff and holding me when I cried. Jesus, I'm glad that's over.

Wedded Bliss

So, I'm all hitched up, internet!

More details to follow, but for now, enjoy some lovely photos...


Two weeks before the wedding I did a makeup test. I did my own makeup, and since I almost never wear more than lip gloss I needed to get my head around powder/mascara/concealer/etc... It turned out pretty good.


These gifts were from FI-ance's boss. I loved the way they were wrapped and loved what was inside, dishwasher and microwave safe china!


I made this box for cards to use at the reception. I spray painted a shoebox gold, used a flower stamp with purple ink around the sides of the top and added chip board letters and fake purple mesh leaves. Look at citygirl! Gettin' all crafty and such!


We got some gifts prior to the wedding and after waiting a couple of days I just couldn't take not opening them anymore. Is it wrong that I love getting stuff? It is? I totally don't care.


You guessed it, this is us. By the way, it took some thinking but FI-ance is now HUBS. I tried calling him hubby, but it just sounded too precious and soccer mom-ish. HUBS is much better.

Happiness, Or Not

Wow. I've been away from the blogsphere for quite a long time. And really, I wish I could tell you guys that I've been doing lots of cool, interesting stuff. But, here's what I've been occupying my time with:

1) I've written one feature and am working on another for the website I'm doing freelance stuff for. My next deadline is Tuesday and as usual I'm terrified I'll suck out loud.

2) I finally got our wedding invites in the mail on Wednesday. I made them myself, had the little buggers printed at Kinko's, made my own stamps with my photos on them at zazzle.com, stamped them with gold flowers for ornamentation and mailed the lot of them. Since I apparently haven't had to count anything since, I don't know, college or something, I ordered too many stamps and printed too many invites. We cannot afford to waste all that moolah spent, so somebody's getting a postcard thank you note to use up the 27 cent postage. It was a bit of work getting the wording and general idea just right, but SO HUGELY FUCKING WORTH IT. We ended up saving about $1,000 by doing the invites at home and not paying for silly RSVP card postage. YAY!

3) I have been riotously sick for the past week. The worst of it was last Sunday. FI-ance and I went out to eat the Friday before. I was fine Saturday, but had the bulk of my previous night's dinner as leftovers that same day and, HOLY JESUS ON BUTTERED TOAST. Positively the worse case of food poisoning I've had since I was in college. I had to camp out in our loverly bathroom for a WHOLE TWO HOURS. I had to send FI-ance to the gas station down the street so the poor boy could pee (and get me some Sierra Mist to settle my achy stomach). My belly was sore for two days after the initial blast. FI-ance thinks one of those evil salmonella tomatoes got me, there was one on my sandwich. O.N.E.

Also giving me fits this week? I'm off my don't-be-crazy-and-sad meds. I decided to do my own detox when I lost my insurance and found out keeping myself in happy pills would cost $150 a month. Besides, I feel significantly less hopeless and lonely and crazy than when I started the dope. The thing about my particular drug is that you have to taper off, stopping suddenly gives you severe dizzy spells and headaches. Thank God I didn't have to do daily driving this week. I would wake up fine, eat a little lunch and promptly have to return to bed 'cause things were spinning and fading in and out and hurting like a muthabitch. Other than the invites I literally got zilch done this week. I'm still pretty tired and listless, but I feel more like a normal person now.

4) I went in for my yearly checkup on Monday and found out I have hit a new all-time high fucking weight: 254. I'm now in a race against my heart disease/diabetes/high blood pressure prone heritage to lose weight before something really horrible happens to me. I couldn't muster enough energy to exercise this week, but I had already started the yoga/walking/toning stuff again. I started drinking only water when we eat out. I leave food on my plate. And I even bought a book. Problem is, I feel like I'm getting fatter everyday.

5) My hair is still falling out. I've been doing a lot of careful hair-combing, looking at the loose strands and going, "Ah, well, dammit."

6) I don't know if this is going on where you are, but it's outrageously hot here. Do you remember what happens to me when it gets hot? That's right, y'all. I turn into the Supreme Grand Mega Bitch On Wheels In All The Land. Which land, you ask? Fucking all of them. To put this as mildly as possible, I fucking hate hot weather and I fucking hate having the sun on my skin during the summer. The room FI-ance and I get hitched in will probably have to be chilled to 40 degrees before I can re-solidify for the ceremony.

So, what has the internet been up to while I was away? Hmmmm?

Incidents

So, I never told you guys, but back in March Fi-ance and I had an incident. I got in the bed early one night while FI-ance was still in the office checking stuff out online. I stayed in bed a while, but couldn't sleep. I got up and went into the office and yelled, jokingly, "You lookin' at porn?" FI-ance got all flustered: "What, no. What?" I laughed, got on my computer for a bit and them went to bed again and finally slept.

The next night, we were both heading to sleep at the same time. We started talking and, I don't remember how it came up, but FI-ance revealed that he actually was looking at porn the night before. Now, let's understand something. I'm not a prude or unrealistic. We have in the past talked openly about his computer porn stash. Hell, I've even looked at it with him. And I've certainly seen my share of dirty pics on my own.

To find out that suddenly FI-ance was lying about his porn usage really hurt my feelings. Also? It immediately brought to mind a slippery-slope situation wherein FI-ance begins to lie about things that don't matter and then things that do. Frankly it kinda freaked me out that my boy, who is forthcoming in some many things (loving porn, past girlfriends, embarrassing situations, particularly rough times in the bathroom) would lie about something we've talked about so frequently. I was so hurt it actually made me cry, internet, which FI-ance won't know until he reads this.

I told him my issues with the lying. He apologized profusely and promised to never do it again. FI-ance also bought me flowers a couple days later as a continued apology, which is why the above picture is titled Because He Was A Dick.

Update: FI-ance saw the picture on my photoblog and protested the title. I suppose the title He Did a Dicky Thing would be more appropriate.

Aw Yeah, Baby!

Thank the sweet Lord. After taking two days off because I just couldn't deal, I'm almost done with my website gig. Many of the last places I was assigned turned out to be closed for business, so instead of having 20 I'm down to about 13. Yea for the short life span of restaurants!!

Also on tap for this weekend: Ordering the wedding cake. The bakery has a bug up its ass about having us trek to their original location to sign the papers. It's at least a half hour away in a part of town that confuses and frustrates me because I'm not used to it. I'm going to try to get them to fax the contract to the location that's RIGHT DOWN THE DAMN STREET FROM US so FI-ance and I don't have to deal with that irritating drive again (we had to do it for the cake tasting a couple months ago).

As a side note, do you see the hair on the person in the picture? That's about the state of my coif right now because I'm completely afraid to touch it unless I'm putting my bald juice on. I'm due to get another relaxer in about a week and I really, really, really hope I don't end up more bald from it. Holy crap, you guys, it's a little bit scary.

Oh My God, Y'all!

I am exhausted. A few weeks ago I landed a part-time gig writing restaurant profiles and taking photos for a new website associated with a local news station. My deadline is this Sunday and I still have a ton to do. Why? I don't know...Maybe...MY OUTRAGEOUS LEVEL OF PROCRATINATION? This job requires lots of driving around, talking on the phone and dealing with strangers. None of which I am particularly thrilled about. And entering the info in the site's database? Unfortunately a lot like the crap I did at my previous full-time job. But, I AM FINALLY GETTING PAID TO WRITE AND TAKE PHOTOGRAPHS. How unreal is that? As much as I love that fact I still manage to complain all the way home. I've got like 15 or 20 places left to do (yeah, by Sunday night) and after working about five stressful hours yesterday, I am taking today off.

The best part of the job is that I could end up writing features for the website. When the producer first contacted me I gave him about ten story ideas. Internet, pray for me! I would really fucking like for this to lead to feature writing, AKA more money!!

Having some actual responsibilities for the past few weeks has been really strange. I've had to wake up at a decent hour, make tons of phone calls, put on non-pajama clothes and go places. I have found myself seriously missing lolling about searching for jobs online and, basically, not really doing anything. I spend so much time staring at my computer now that I've been neglecting my blog writing/reading. All I want to do after editing photos, writing profiles and entering database info is to stare into a tv or fashion magazine filled space. I haven't been on Facebook or LinkedIn and I had to skip a girls night get-together two Fridays ago.

But, I'm actually making some of my own money again. And for the first time in my life I'm getting that money as a writer and photographer. I'm tired, but basically pretty happy.

Coming Back From Baby Mama Last Week

FI-ance is wriggling in his passenger side seat as I drive. I notice that he's frolicking in his own nethers.

FI-ance: Sorry, sorry. My right ball's been bugging me all night.

Citygirl: What's it doing? Taunting you? Telling bad jokes?

FI-ance: Yeah, yeah...Cut it out. No, it just...moves.

Citygirl: You've been having a lot of trouble with your man bits lately. Are you wearing the right size underwear?

FI-ance: Well, yeah. They feel fine.

Citygirl: 'Cause you know, if I'm wearing the right size bra my boobies don't just go all over the place. They sorta stay where I put 'em.

FI-ance: You women have no idea, do you?

Citygirl: We sure as hell don't.

Photo courtesy of Universal Pictures

Some Good News

Remember last Saturday when I found out my hair was falling out? Well, the day wasn't all bad...Just mostly bad.

The first good thing? My hair stylist, who I'd never met before, thought I was 17. Seventeen, internet. That was amazing and made me giggle quite a bit.

Most importantly, though, I did go to my mom's place and try my dress on. It looks good. But since it's champagne I don't think my beloved purple hair clip will work with it. My mom zipped me into it but was afraid to zip it all the way. I think I might have a bit too much back fat for it. My mom suggested some all-over Spanx, which means officially everyone in the world must know about those things. I'm really against the whole restrictive clothing idea, but I broke down and bought one anyway.

By the way, the best thing that happened on Saturday was my mom giving me loads of straight up cash. I mean, more actual money than I've ever seen in my life. Since she's preoccupied with my grandmother and doesn't have much time for wedding shopping/planning she gave FI-ance and I some money to help out. We were able to finally get a photographer because of the windfall. Yay, Mommy!

I was also able to do something I haven't been able to do since I quit my job - go shopping and buy ANYTHING I wanted to. I got some wedding stuff: the Spanx, gold shoes, pens for the guest book, paper for my homemade invites and programs, shimmery nude nail polish, Laura Mercier lip gloss ($22, Holy God!!). But I also got some completely frivolous stuff. A couple of Michael Kors purses on ebay, two pairs of Lane Bryant jeans and some panties, Forever 21 jewelry, a Sephora shopping spree. The best part about this is that I spent around sixty bucks or less at each place. See? Even when I have dinero aplenty I still shop smart.

!!!!!!!!!

OH MY GOD WE'RE HAVING EARTHQUAKES! OH MY GOD WE'RE HAVING EARTHQUAKES! OH MY GOD WE'RE HAVING EARTHQUAKES!

Aces!

I went to get my hair done today and guess what? My hair is falling out! Yay! Because life doesn't suck enough now I'm flirting with my own version of male pattern baldness! I swear, could I have had a better Saturday? No...No I do not think so.

For the past two months or so I had noticed that it seemed like a lot of hair was coming out when I combed it. But I thought, maybe, it was just because I hadn't had a relaxer put in since January. Then, around this Thursday, I remember clearly saying to myself, "Self, I think my hair is falling out," not really thinking it was ACTUALLY FACTUALLY TRUE.

My stylist showed me the damage today. There is a semi-circle of semi-baldness filled with stubble on top of my head. She told me to get to a dermatologist right away, and said it could be stress from job-searching. She also made grand (and thankfully successful) efforts to hide my scalp under my new hairdo. And, to make all this even better, now I have to go to the doctor WITHOUT ANY INSURANCE so that I don't end up cue-balling it for my wedding in a couple months.

God Dammit People. What the fuck else is going to fall apart here?

Because Weddings Are Funner Than Job Searches

A big piece of this wedding puzzle has been solved, internet! I bought my wedding dress! From Nordstrom.com! In their plus sizes section! It was only 200 bucks! And my wonderful Godmommy is sending me a check for it!

Because I am girly, but wedding-indifferent, I have not tried it on yet. I've had it, still in its unopened box, for over a week. Does that make me weird?

At any rate. My plan is to go get my hair done tomorrow, then head to my mom's house to try it on and discuss accessory options. Also, my mom called last weekend and said she had something for me and something else entirely for me and FI-ance. I think this means money, although I'm not sure what she could be giving me alone. This should be interesting.

As I've said before my mom is terminally stressed. She works at a job where she is on her feet all day and then goes home to take care of my grandmother. Because of my g-mom's so-so, up-and-down health mom rarely leaves home to do anything but grocery shop. This is important because she will need something cool to wear to the wedding, and I really, really wanted her to wear the suit pictured above. I showed it to her ages ago, but since she couldn't make up her mind and wasn't sure and thought oh, maybe, now, NOW internet, it's not being sold anymore. We will have to get her out of the house and into a mall dressing room. Several of them, probably. It will doubtlessly turn out to be somewhat stressful since my lovely mom can almost never make up her mind.

I'm thinking now about how I'll do my hair and makeup for the wedding. I want it all to be pretty and simple since I'm doing it myself. I figure I'd get my hair did the day before in some wavy/curly style and then just do some combing and fluffing the next day. As far as makeup, I just really want to not look like a big greaseball for the wedding. I've been scouring wedding sites for ideas and they've only been marginally helpful. Martha Stewart and InStyle Weddings have been around for at least 10 years each and they only had a handful of ideas on their sites. Bitches...

I am especially in love with the 2nd pair of gold flats above and the feathered hair pin. I haven't gotten the shoes ($98! For flats! Fuck!) but I ran out last weekend and got that pin. Originally I didn't want any hair adornment since I plan on some fancy earrings (something like the ones pictured) but I saw it and got all giddy and heart-fluttery and knew it had to be mine.

Now all me and FI-ance need are a photographer, his attaire for the day and, yeah, someone to actually marry us!

About That Job...

It recently occurred to me that I never told you about the second interview I had with a local marketing company. Internet, that was two weeks ago, why didn't you remind me?

My first challenge with this was that it wasn't really an interview. It was a shadow day where you get to follow one of their people around to see what your day would be like if you started working for them. I needed to be there from 9am to 5pm. Do we recognize the problem yet? That's right, I haven't gotten up that early (much less stayed awake for that long and been away from home the whole time)since January 15! But whatever. I got up, put on my "interview" pants and a nice sweater. I got there on time and fairly alert for the un-Godly hour, and met up with my shadow buddy, Garth.

Let me just take the time to thank Garth for being nice, personable and not at all creepy or serial killer-like. Especially since we spent AN ASS-LONG time in your car together.

We had to drive over an hour to get to his sales territory in Where The Fuck, Illinois. Maybe you've been there? It's between a skanky pool of water along the side of the highway and a Super Walmart.

Anywho. Garth and I ran from one business to another, while I listened as he tried desperately to make some sales. It was depressing. Not just because the idea of sale, Sale, Selling! for a living makes me feel icky and bored, but because he only got two stinky sales. We went to maybe eight places and his daily goal is, get ready...Thirty or Forty!

I also have to say that, were I alone on this particular trip, there are several places I NEVER would have gone into. Like the pawn shop with the very obvious BULLET HOLE in the glass of the front door. And? When I got home I smelled bad. Like BO, old Fritos, wet dog and feet. Everything I was wearing had to be washed and/or aired out. Thank God my interview suit is washable.

Now, I'll admit that I wasn't crazy about the idea of doing business-to-business sales for an office supply company (yeah, it's that boring) going into this. But, I was willing to push through a few months of crap to possibly get to something creative like copywriting or coming up with marketing campaigns. Alas, such a trajectory is not possible with this particular company. They believe in promoting from within, but what's the prize you get for putting up with B2B bullshit? The best thing they could come up with? Learning their accounting practices and running your own branch office. Really, y'all? You mean one day, if I sell really, really hard, I'll get to sit in an office and do math all day? For reals? Gee...Thanks.

Photo above "I'm so unexcited, and I can't hide it."

Job Search Facts

1) If you've gotten to the point where you believe any job ad that says you can make "Thousands from home every day!", you need to step away from the computer and take a nap.

2) 50% of all job searchers will go insane before they find suitable employment. At least, this is how it feels.

3) When you've been sending resumes out for eight weeks and have only had two interviews, it can make you want to kill someone.

4) A job search that seems futile can lead to sleeplessness, too much sleeping, too much eating, not enough eating, too much sitting, not enough exercise, procrastination or insanity (see 2 & 3).

5) I'm tired of looking for work.

6) I'm also tired of being tired of looking for work. I mean, I get to sit at home all day. Why should I complain?

7) Yahoo! Hot Jobs is a suck-ass job search site. I type in "photography" and get five pages offering me work as a porn star.

8) Putting searches in feeds for google reader is the best thing in the world.

9) When you don't understand the title of the job, it may be a sign that you should not apply for it.

10) Likewise, if the job description makes you want to eat your own head, you might not be suitably built for it.

11) Cartoons, Oprah, repeats of Sandford and Son and any soap opera are death knells for a productive job search. Turn the damn tv off!

12) Would these HR people really be inundated with calls if they didn't post "NO CALLS PLEASE" on all their ads? Really? Douches...

13) If you look long enough without any decent leads you'll begin to feel useless and worthless.

14) While I understand that looking for work online is easier than leaving the house at 8:30am everyday and going from business to business filling out applications and begging to speak to someone with the power to hire you, it doesn't make the process any less assie (pronounced like "Lassie" without the L, meaning - like an ass).

15) Cartoons, Oprah, repeats of Sandford and Son and any soap opera are legitimate reasons to stop looking for work, recline and have a sandwich!

Photo curtesy of NBC's The Office, which is another good reason to stop job searching.

Purr Factor

I'm having quite the busy week.

Monday: First unemployed job interview. It was a marketing company. Did not get called back for the second interview. They can kiss my ass.

Tuesday: Snow storm. We got between 6 to 10 inches of snow in most of the St. Louis area. FI-ance didn't have to go to work. Nice day.

Wednesday: Court day for our suit against the previous owner of our house. We lost. FI-ance was angry for most of the day after that, I managed to calm him down (finally) with The Wire.

Thursday: Interview with a different marketing company. Did get called back for 2nd interview, which happens Monday. Yay! Hope! Begin scanning my 80 million polaroids and pictures from my Diana+.

Tomorrow: Call about paperwork to become offical creditors of roofer-who-was-paid-but-never-fixed-our-roof-and-then-filed-for-bankruptcy. Send resumes to more companies that will probably ignore me. Apply for unemployment, just in case. Sign contract for wedding/reception hall.

Saturday: Go to cake tasting for free wedding cake we will get for our wedding reception. Take photo from Martha Stewart Weddings of how I want cake to look. Try to relax or something.

Sunday: Go to local church to hear talk on "evil". Head to registry event at Macy's, get goody bag and sign up to win free things. Go to mom's after to show her all the ideas for wedding. Prepare for Monday's interview.

This may be the most busy I've ever been. Ever!

Here We Are

It's for real now. Friday, February 29 (yeah, that's this Friday) is my last pay day and last day for insurance. I still don't have a job, and today I made handy work of not being productive. I slept a lot.

On a positive note me and FI-ance have finally come close to finding a place to house our wedding/reception. We've got two tastings, one this week and one the next, in order to make our final decision. And, I've also given myself a deadline of this week to decide on a dress.

So, yeah, no pressure here.

On Tap For Today

1)Washing my hair and taking a shower. I got some of that Ojon stuff that people have been talking about for a couple of years. It's outrageously expensive, so I found a set of shampoo/conditioner/deep treatment stuff on ebay. My hope is that I will finally have found the thing that will totally help my hair recover from a horrendous hair cut (really more of a chopping)I had three years ago. My hair, which used to be fairly long and thick, is still a shortish, choppy mess that I can never quite style right. Pray for my hair, internet.

2)Doing job stuff. I'm not completely in an application mood yet so I'm starting off by checking out Facebook and working on my Variety magazine profile.

3)Watching Supernatural, taping LOST and eating pizza that someone will bring to me so I don't have to head out in our St. Louis ice storm. Yay!

This Is What Staying At Home Is Like?

First off internet, let me just tell my psyche to stop it. I've been having the most atrocious nightmares for the past week now. I can't remember all of them, but the highlights include: me having to kill vampires with a crew that gets picked off one by one and eventually I'm all alone and have to go hide in a tree; me getting a ride home from a friend's dad and having thousands of tiny white spiders crawl out of nowhere and cover me, I jump out of the car while it's moving and rip my clothes off in public; and, the most recent one, me in high school working on some major project and having somebody steal part of it right before I finish, it ends with me in the hospital after having a nervous breakdown.

So, yeah, stop jacking with me subconcious!

I will admit right now that I have not applied to as many places as I thought I would have by now. But, seeing as how I'm looking to finally get paid for writing or taking pictures I have applied to every musuem, gallery, ad agency, radio station and soon tv station I can think of. So far, nothing. I'm using Monster, Vault, Variety magazine and several local job engines. I'm running out of ideas and it scares me. I have two weeks until the money and insurance stops. I'm really afraid that I'll have to get another shitty office job that I'll hate and stay at too long so that we can keep paying bills and, I don't know, also afford one of the cheapest Netflix subscriptions there is.

Also, since the joy in my life never ever stops, I think my depression may be deepening because of this job stuff. I'm still taking my anti-crazy pills, but I've been sleeping A LOT. Like, 10-12 hours a day. I set my clock and just can't wake up. When I was working and found myself with a day off I'd automatically wake up around noon...Not anymore babe. And you'd think I'd get tired of sleeping, but no, not me apparently. It also just occured to me that I haven't had much of an appetite. And while I would love to lose some weight, depression is not really a valid solution for that issue.

I've found myself falling back into the soap opera trap. That is, for those who are unaware, where you arrange your days around certain afternoon entertainment. Now, since I'm sleeping all the time I usually miss All My Children, As The World Turns and One Life To Live. But, lucky me, I still get to check out The Young and the Restless, Guiding Light and General Hospital. And yes, that is all but two of the soaps currently still on the air. Thank God I don't have SoapNet or I'd be watching old episodes of Another World too.

I'm a sick, sick lady.

Photo "In Case Sarah Checks In" curtesy of superbirthdaysupply.com

Just A Little Bit Of Joy

While filling out a tedious job application just moments ago and getting really bored on page 3 of the thing, I saw a reverse Tux (meaning mostly black with white patches) crawling slowly through the yard next door. It made me smile a little.

I'll See You In Court!

You remember me saying that FI-ance and I had to go to court last Wednesday? It's house related, and considering the issues we've had since moving in that shouldn't be a surprise for you, really.

We're suing the previous owner of our house. See, one of the conditions of us buying this place from her was that she set us up with a new roof, which the home inspector dude said we'd need. So, she put up the money for it, signing a contract with a roofer and handing a check over to the title company. Around May of last year, when we hadn't heard from the roofer, I started calling the number on the contract. All it did was ring. No answering machine, no secretary, no voice mail. Not a good sign.

In October, after months of calling the roofer, the realtor and then having the realtor call the previous owner lady (POL), we decided to sue. We sent POL a certified letter saying we got bids from REAL roofers who could actually be contacted and told her that if she'd just fork over the money we'd consider things done. Instead of paying, she called the realtor, who then called me while I was on my way home from my former job and pissed me off by trying to tell me who we can or can't sue when realtor lady IS NOT a lawyer.

We also got a couple of calls from one of the partners in the roofing company we could never contact. So suddenly, after trying for months to reach this fucker, after word of suing goes around NOW he knows how to use the phone. Anyway, he gave FI-ance a sob story about his business partner ruining things and screwing up all the files and contracts and begged to do the work. FI-ance said no. He told him to pay us the money that POL gave him so we could call it a day. We then sent him a letter covering our terms, giving him a deadline and telling him to pay up by that date or we'd sue.

Guess what? He didn't pay us either. Even though he agreed to do so over the phone when he talked to FI-ance.

Now, since the only contract we had was between us and POL, we're suing her. And if she needs to sue the roofer to get her dough back...fine.

The catch in all this is that even though we sent the papers and money to the appropriate department to get POL served so that she'd know we were finally actually suing her, they were never served because, apparently, they never got the shit in the mail. GOD. DAMMIT. So we show up in court last week and ended up having to file for new papers to be made so that we can then get the new copies to the appropriate department AGAIN along with the money for serving costs AGAIN so we can go to court AGAIN in March. Crap.

Also, if we win (which we think we will), how do we make sure POL pays us in a timely fashion?

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Photo above: Endless Vortex of Anger

Where Are The Real Red Dogs?

I have a confession. In the past few months I've become addicted to a certain children's show. This light-hearted infotainment has become even more comforting for me in the past two weeks as I've become more susceptible to job-search related sadness. I love this show so much that I even submit to repeated viewings of the same episodes and often find myself unable to get the theme song out of my head. (Like Sunday. I sang that song to myself all freakin' day.)

Enter Clifford's Puppy Days. Thank God for PBS Kids.

Photo courtesy of Kids' CBC

And So Ends Another Interesting Week

Last week my bosses at work found someone to replace me. This is weird, mostly because Monday and Tuesday this week meant training newbie, AW (who actually had an internship there about a year and a half ago), and actually really liking her.

Tuesday also meant my going away party. That's right, I am now officially unemployed. There was no sense in me and AW working the exact same position for 6 weeks until my agreement ran out, so the big T was my last day at the-job-that-I-hated-for-so-long. Luckily the money will keep coming until the end of February and my insurance is good until then too. Can you guess how many doctor's appointments I made yesterday?

My supervisor SP made lemon bars for breakfast, TC took me out to lunch at a really nice buffet and my former supervisor NM made chocolate cake with "all my morsels" and cream cheese frosting. I'd wondered for a long time now how my last day party would look. It was very uneventful. There were no stories or tales of good times past, just eating and talking about random stuff, like...Crap, I don't even remember now.

Also, the Big Boss was in the office when we had my gathering but made no attempt to come into the conference room and say anything or even just eat cake. I must have really pissed him off because he usually feels the need to at least make a showing of fake support and good wishes. Oh, well.

Wednesday FI-ance and I had to go to court (more later on that) and yesterday I avoided job searching marvelously by cleaning the hell out of the house and putting away the Christmas decorations.

I've had two nervous breakdowns in the past week and a half. Last Wednesday I actually started crying at work and had to hide in the stairwell so no one would see me get all freaked out over not having a job. Then on Monday night when I got home I was depressed and overwhelmed and ate too much junk and ended up crying once at home and once at Steak n Shake around midnight.

Today I have managed to apply for about 5 jobs and find links to several more possibilities. Now I'm watching Family Guy and blogging.

Make no mistake, internet. This is really going to be a strange trip.

Whoa, Mama

In the interest of embracing full, radical change in the new year I did something completely terrifying on Friday. I quit my job.

Let's back track a bit, shall we?

I was called into a meeting with my department boss, MS and direct supervisor, SP. Now, MS is leaving in a few days and he has served as a good buffer to our department for the Big Boss, a man who is a bit unbalanced. Anyway, apparently I've been on BB's hit list since I had some issues with lateness a few months ago. The fear for MS and SP was that once MS left us there would be nothing keeping BB from making my working life HELL, and as a result SP's day-to-day as well.

MS wanted a frank conversation about what I felt about my job. I told them I didn't hate it (lie) but that I wasn't happy either. It's monotonous and everything becomes routine within a few minutes of learning how to do it. In short, I find it boring and frustrating that moving from the receptionist's desk didn't make me any happier with my job situation.

SP and MS said they figured that would be the answer. Then MS offered me something radical: he was willing to talk to the Big Boss and go to bat for me to have 6 weeks where I openly look for work and they openly look for someone to replace me. At the end of that time, if I don't have something new I'm out of work. And if they haven't found a replacement, too bad.

I thought about it for about 2 seconds. FI-ance has been bugging me for weeks. Prodding and pushing and fighting to get me to complete every step of the job hunt process. This would be a definite kick in the ass. So, I accepted. My last day is February 18, 2008.

I spent the weekend not sleeping well and having headaches and avoiding actually applying anywhere. I'll have to interview and put together a few acceptable outfits for said purpose. I've got searching and writing and thinking to do. And yes, the photo above shows how I feel right now. I'm scared and may have bitten off more than I can chew in SIX FUCKING WEEKS.

Wish me luck.

Clearly This Wasn't Well Thought Out

I've made a decision. There will be no more working on the day after Christmas for me. I'll put my request for time off in way early, like October early so that no one can say I didn't warn them. Because obviously, being at work on December 26 is total crap.

Usually I'm unmotivated, sure, but this is a whole new level of unmotivatedness. Granted, I've actually done a pretty good amount of work so far today, but I couldn't give less of a shit about any of it. So, never again internet. Never. Ever. Again. And in a blatant showing of my disregard for working the day after such a holy occasion, I've protested by wearing one of my socks inside out. Yeah. That'll show 'em.

_____________________________________________________________

By the way, I hope you all had a loverly Christmas!

Toesies

citygirl: "I have this weird thing where when my toenails get to a certain length I don't have to clip them, I can just pull off the part of the nail that sticks out."

FI-ance: "Oh...What?"

citygirl: "See?" (showing off a newly pulled toenail to FIance)

FI-ance: "God! What the Hell is wrong with you?"

citygirl: "Huh? No, it's cool...Look!" (yet another nail presented and then dropped on the floor)

FI-ance: "Don't...My God, don't put them on the floor!"

citygirl: "Why not?"

FI-ance: "Why? I don't know, it's just disgusting, that's all."

citygirl: "So, this bothers you? All the things that you don't think about at all, like the bathtub being dirty or dishes piling up in the sink or dirty clothes spilling out of the laundry baskets or farting on me when we're lying down, and these little toenails that you can't even see bug you?"

FI-ance: "That's just different. Could you try, please, to put those in the trash can or at least leave them on the floor in the bathroom instead of the living room?"

citygirl: "What if I hide them under the couch? So that whenever we move there'll just be a huge pile of toenails falling out from this secret spot where they were once contained?"

FI-ance: "Honey..."

citygirl: "Wait! What if I figure out a way to keep them suspended in mid-air so you can always see and avoid them? Huh...Huh?"

FI-ance: "God. You have no soul."

Can you tell we had an interesting Friday?

Bitch Day

Oh, man. Sunday was not good to ol' citygirl.

I woke up after a late night of Buffy and Nip/Tuck watching with FI-ance right before 11am. Did the bathroom thing and then tried sleeping a little bit more. It wasn't happening and for some reason my mind did something it hasn't done in a long while: it began to dwell on all the crap in my life that's unfinished.

There are all these things I want to be better at, more ambitious about, that I started to tally up. Making friends, keeping friends, losing weight and keeping it off, decorating for Christmas, keeping the house clean, being more crafty, spending less money, finding a better job, getting my sideline jobs off the ground, cooking more often, finishing my screenplay...

I ended up getting out of bed crying around 11:30am. The rest of the day was mostly a wash. Random irritation and anger and crying. Even with FI-ance trying really hard to cheer me up, get me talking and help out. He was so desperate that he did two loads of laundry and emptied and loaded the dishwasher...WITHOUT BEING ASKED.

citygirl: "I'm just having a bitch day."

FI-ance: "But why? I don't think the store's closing (his phrase for my monthly lady time)."

citygirl: "That doesn't always have something to do with it."

FI-ance: "Man...That'd make it so much easier."

citygirl: "You ain't shittin' kitten."

Dammit, Cat!

The holidays are a joyous time, aren't they? Tinsel and bulbs and pretty lights and things all a-glitter.

I just have one question for you folks. How in the Hell do I keep my damn Tux cat away from the Christmas tree? In the past two weeks since we put that thing up he has tried to: eat it, climb it, push it over, pull it down, jump it and continues to remove ornaments at an alarming rate.

This just proves my theory: Tux really is the devil. And he hates Christmas and wants to destroy our holiday cheer.

Fluffy fucking devil...

Yeah, That's Not What I Wanted to Hear

So, internet. Remember when I was all freaked out about my review at work? Well, at the end of October when I got paid and saw that I had no raise I went to MS, my department boss, and asked about it. He told me he was waiting to put my review paperwork in until after I talked to my new supervisor and made a work plan for the year and he had seen it. I thought, ok, that sounds reasonable.

Well, we got paid again recently. I still had no raise for the year. I went to MS again on Tuesday to see what was up. You know what was up? I'm not getting a raise, that's what's up.

Two things really piss me straight the fuck off about this. One? It's like this past year never happened...to them. I, on the other hand have been subjected to dealing with the dregs of society on a daily basis, getting up at un-Godly hours for no good reason, volunteering at events that have me up at 6 fucking am on Saturday, filing when my back hurts and I get nothing extra in return for it. Two? MS, who I thought was a cool, smart guy of integrity, flat out lied to me. Yes, it was a lie of omission, but a lie none the less.

When I went into his office this week and was all "where's my raise?" he looked at me like I was a total idiot. The review was basically finalized with YOU NEED TO DO BETTER. I thought a lot of points in the review were bullshit. Which I explained in my written and signed rebuttle. I got a good work plan for the year together with my new supervisor and have been given some more interesting duties on an as-needed basis that I am actually excited about. none of this made a difference though. No more money for citygirl.

He said it was about the whole review. I asked why my rebuttle had no affect on this decision, he only responded that "well, everybody saw it." Most importantly, I asked why we didn't talk about this whole no raise thing during my review. His response? "Well, I guess it didn't come up." And then he stared at me like a fucking dolt.

Does anybody want to know why I didn't bring it up? Because, I figured since the review was kinda bad I'd only be getting a mere cost of living increase. So, no reason to really discuss that. It didn't occur to me that I'd get nothing at all.

Now, have you ever gotten totally shitty work news and then tried to resume working? Exactly, internet...Not. Fucking. Easy. I worked but I was so angry. Mostly at myself for even still working at this place after 9 Goddammed years.



Now the job search is on. FOR REAL.

Ummm...Meaty

FI-ance ate 3 whole Arby's Roast Beef Sammiches and 1 Arby's Ham Sammich last night. There is no doubt in my mind that I will wake up one day next to a 4-foot boner attached to a pile of cooked, sliced meat.

No. Doubt. At. All.

Eventfulness

Sat 11/17- The beginning of me and FI-ance's triple celebration week: our anniversary, my birthday and Tux's (that's right, the cat) birthday. We spent most of the morning and early afternoon driving and walking around Ellisville, Eureka and Kirkwood taking pictures of fall foliage. We got some really good shots. It's something I've never done before but really felt a pull for it this year. I used my Canon S3IS and my new lomo Diana+ medium format film camera. Getting used to not seeing how my shot will turn out after a little more than two years of digital shooting is taking some work!

After quick showers, we headed out to our local Funny Bone. We'd never been and hadn't heard of the guys but both comedy acts were really good. It felt oddly wonderful to laugh along with a group of strangers. There was a two drink minimum. I got a soda and a strawberry margarita. I'm not much of a drinker, but that thing (which came in a huge beer stein, by the by) was HELLA GOOD.

This may have been the most full day we've spent together since our first/second date.

Mon 11/19- This was my 33rd Birthday. And yes, I know that wasn't supposed to be capitalized but I'm leavin' it anyway! I share my birthday with my friend TC at work, so our department treated us to lunch at a favorite local Thai place, Sen. SOOOOOO GOOD. I believe they might have the best crab rangoon ever in the history of the universe. And the little fried corn patties? I'm dying just thinking about them...

FI-ance left work early so we could have a good long night out. I had no idea where I wanted to eat dinner. You know how you want to try something different, but desperately want to make sure you have something really fuckin' amazing to eat? That was me Monday night. FI-ance suggested The Cheesecake Factory and it immediately sounded perfect. We went all out: appetizer, two entrees (though mine was a salad), and a shared dessert of Key Lime Cheesecake. Between lunch and dinner I think this was the best-fed birthday I've ever had. Yea, food!

Post appetizer and pre-entree FI-ance gave me my Birthday/Anniversary gift. Oh God, internet. HE. DID. SO. GOOD. I got one of those "forever" necklaces with a trail of diamonds drizzling down the pendant. How many diamonds? Well, it took my mom to think of counting them on Wednesday, but there's SEVEN. As my grandmother remarked from across the room that same night, "I can see them from here...And I can't even see!"

Our absolute favorite movie theater is right near the CF, so we headed upstairs to see Beowulf. FI-ance and I both liked it, and after seeing it and reading a graphic novel version of the story that played a bit differently, we both want to read a more faithful translation to see how everything was originally written.

Wed 11/21- I took the day off work to go to my mom's early and get the cooking done. Usually what I do is head over in the evening and spend the night as we cook and watch bad cable tv. I wanted to change the tradition a bit by going to her place in the morning, then heading home in time for FI-ance to get back from work. I really wanted us to do our Christmas decorating that night, but of course there was a glitch. My driver's license expired on Monday. I didn't look at the little reminder they sent me until Thursday night and realized I needed my birth certificate. I ordered it online Friday (I could have just walked down to the records office at lunch, but, you know, why make things easy on myself?) and was stuck at home waiting for it to be delivered Wednesday morning...And afternoon. I talked to my mom and she relayed the info that I had a full 30 days to renew my license. What? Why didn't the card say that!? Here I was panicking and having FI-ance drive me around on Tuesday, when I could have been on my merry way. DMV suckers.

They finally delivered my birth certificate at about 3:30pm. I made it to the license place 45 minutes before they closed. One odd thing about me? I've always taken good license photos. I don't know how, but I do. Well, I did, anyway. because I was greeted this time by a newbie license photo-taker dude. On the first shot he took the pic while I was adjusting my bra strap. And the do-over? Fuck, my streak is over. I look like the first Black female serial killer in recorded history. And my head is HUGE! If the photo square was the size of a computer screen my head still wouldn't look appropriately proportioned. And my hair is fucked up, even though I did the best I could with it. Dammit. Now I've got seven fucking years with this retarded, scary-ass photo. Shitshit. SHIT.

Thanksgiving 11/22- I didn't leave mom's until 2:15 Thursday morning. FI-ance and I were running late to get back there for lunch, but we all got a surprise visit from my godmother when we got to mom's. After a couple hours we headed west for his family dinner. We finally got home about 1 am.

Black Friday 11/23- You don't think I actually got up at 2 am to go shopping, do you? Because I slept most of the day. And it was wonderful!

I hope everyone had a blast on Thanksgiving!!

What Happens When I'm Bored, Tired, Hungry and In A Pissy Mood?

I realize that the NBA playoffs and championship have no nickname. I don't like basketball, but let's be clear, the ballers deserve a nickname, don't they?

So, in an effort to do my part to support a game that bores the crap outta me, here is my list of possible names for said championship.

1) Ballathon!
2) Balltopia!
3) The Festival of Balls!
4) Superballs!
5) Ballorama!
6) Ball Fest!
7) Ballers Delight!
8) Hustleballs!
9) Ball Summit!

And last but not least, my favorite...

10) BALLS!

I do say. I'm quite creative when I know food is on the way.

Have a great weekend!!

All the News That's Fit to Print (Online)

- I think I have a repetitive stress injury. My right shoulder/arm has been bugging me for over two weeks. I've been getting these shooting muscle spasm-like pains that sometimes make my hand shake. It's weird, painful and irritating. At first I had neck issues there too, and figured I'd just "slept wrong" like I sometimes do. But while at work last Friday, I realized how much I reach and stretch and lift with my right arm, and I think that may be the problem. The way my desk is set up now there's more room for crap on the right so that's where I had to put everything. Since I'm still on the shit list for being late all the time I guess a worker's comp filing wouldn't be in my best interest, huh?

- We had a new couch delivered this weekend. What's insane is that it looked like it was basically the same size as my now retired Ikea couch when we were in the store, but once it was in the house we realized how absolutely massive it is. All the other furniture looks like it belongs in a doll house! We were afraid at first that the deliverin' men wouldn't be able to get it inside. They had no luck with the front door and the back doors are even smaller. THEY HAD TO TAKE OUR FRONT WINDOWS OUT. Really. It was quite a sight. Thank God we have a big picture window in the living room. Wanna know what makes me kinda sad? I bought that Ikea couch on a road trip to the Schaumberg, Illinois store with my mom. That $200 couch made my single-life living room an actual room. I was sad to see it go, especially since we put the frame outside (kept the cushions I just got covers for in March) and the poor thing has been rained on twice! I was really hoping someone would snatch it up before it got all natured on. Dammit. On a positive note, though, the new couch KICKS ABSOLUTE ASS! It's so plush and huge and comfy. We broke it in by eating special grilled cheese (swiss and cheddar cheese with fresh herbs) and watching the first season of Curb Your Enthusiasm.

- My stomach is bugging me again. I'm still using various digestive-helping foods to stave off major problems, but I don't think it's enough anymore. I am actually going to have to see that gasterointerologist about my tummy troubles. I hate making doctor's appointments. And going to new doctors is even worse. We'll see how it goes.

- Speaking of fresh herbs...I made homemade tomato soup last Monday and am still farting rosemary. I'm sorry internet, that was very sudden rude bathroom talk, but it has to be said. I see now that I need to be careful with the real rosemary. I made the mistake of putting some in my pasta for lunch yesterday and had the pleasure of then farting and burping rosemary. So, from now on we're talking like, four little leaves of the stuff and that's it. Otherwise someone is destined to die from the fumes.

- I have a dentist's appointment today. I've been going to the same dentist since I was literally a tiny kid. I'm well known throughout the practice for never having any cavities. I fear that this is about to change. About three months ago I noticed a small black depression on the side of one of my perfect teeth. It doesn't hurt and it hasn't gotten any bigger, but I think it must be the start of a cavity. Oh God! I hope this doesn't require any cutting, drilling or pulling. Fuckin' hormones changing my body chemistry...

One Friday, Not Long Ago

"I can't believe we're going to bed at 10:30 at night on a Friday."

"Yeah, I know. We're boring."

"But, we did have sex first."

"Yay! We're still cool!" (snore)

The Funniest Thing That Has Ever Happened to Someone Who Is Not Me

"Oh...Oh God! OH GOD!"

"FI-ance? What's going on?"

"I thought I stepped on an old grape so I picked it up."

"...And?"

"It wasn't a grape. It was more like..."

Silence
"Like...?"

"Cat poop."

(With bugged out eyes)"You mashed cat doody with your bare foot? And then touched it bare-handed? WAHHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAHAHAAA!!!"

Trying to Recap Heroes for FI-ance at Denny's Monday Night

"So, Nawhlins girl was walking with the little boy..."

"Micah"

"Yeah, him. And he was trying to get her to enjoy her powers. There was a guy on a skateboard doing crazy stuff and some guys playing basketball. One of them did that thing...You know."

"What thing?"

"You know. This (flipping hand motion)...Come on, this thingie (more flipping hand motion)."

"Uh...A 360 degree layup?"

"What? No! This (again with the hand) right here."

Silence.
"A...dunk? He dunked the ball?"

"Yeah!"

"What kind of Black person are you?"

"I'm throwing my hot coffee on you now..."

Does the World Want Me to Go Postal?!

So, the good news is that I didn't get fired. The review wasn't exactly good, but there is hope. What I really want to talk about today is what happened yesterday, Monday October 15 2007.

I was in great shape yesterday morning. I got up when my clock went off, got ready in a truly timely fashion, and was headed to my car slightly before 8am. I hit my shoulder when I got in the car, it felt kinda low when I sat down but didn't think much of it. As I started to pull away from the curb I heard a scraping noise. I figured there was a can or something stuck under my wheel and kept going. Hmmm...more scraping. So I stopped the car I got out to see what could possibly be wrong now. (I'd just gotten my car back from a short trip to the mechanic on Saturday. Something was rattling underneath when I idled. Turns out some kind of cap was broken and had to be replaced.)

WHAT. THE. FUCK!!!!! Some asswipebuttfucker stole my rear driver's side wheel, tire, hubcap, and lug nuts. So that scraping I heard? Yeah, that was the sound of my brake rotor being driven on. Do we all understand what's happened? Lila, whom I park RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY HOUSE IN THE GHETTO, was jacked up and violated at some point on Sunday night WHILE FI-ANCE AND I SLEPT IN OUR HOUSE A FEW FEET AWAY.

I was so very angry that I believe I may have turned into The Incredible Hulk for a few brief minutes. I got my things out of the car, turned the ignition off and made my way back inside to call the police, my supervisor at work, my insurance company and FI-ance.

The cops took HALF AN HOUR to get to me. Granted, it wasn't an emergency and I'm sure someone was being horribly injured somewhere when I called, but dammit! Evidence is blowing away as I sit here fuming and twiddling my thumbs! Wait...that's right, there was no evidence. Not a fingerprint to be found was left on Lila. Of course none of my hard-partying, hard-drinking, probably drug addicted neighbors saw anything. According to my friend TC's husband (he's a mechanic) this thorough theft process would have taken about TWENTY MINUTES. Right outside my front door. Lucky, lucky me.

I called FI-ance. He apologized for not noticing when he left for work before me. Why should he have noticed? I mean, I started driving before I noticed, because, golly you guys, I'd always assumed I'd have WHEELS ON MY CAR AND SHIT. Now, every time either of us returns to our cars anywhere we're going to feel compelled to check to make sure we have tires. That, friends, IS UTTERLY FUCKING RIDICULOUS.

As I talked to FI-ance I almost started to cry. You know when you get so angry and fed up and frustrated but there's no one in the immediate vicinity for you to punish for what's happened? That's the kind of crying I was in for. I somehow managed to hold it off until several hours later.

I told FI-ance I was done. The neighborhood can go straight to Hell for all I care. I am officially tired of the noise, the trash in our yard, the random strangers walking through the front and back yards at all hours, the general disrespect of other people, the walking and congregating in the actual street where only cars should be, the car keying, the chewed-food spitting, the delivery-people abuse and, oh yes, how can I forget the FOUR FUCKING CHILD MURDERS that have occurred since we moved in. God Dammit, you fucking immature, imbecilic, criminal bastards!!! Can anybody give me one good reason not to raze the whole fucking pit of despair?! Just ONE reason?!!!

My sweet, angered FI-ance showed up right after the cop left. He found out I had free towing with my insurance and we called a place recommended by our mechanic. It took them AN HOUR AND A HALF to get to me. Thank fucking God I wasn't stranded on the side of the road at night in the cold. In order for the tow guy to get the spare on he had to take two lugnuts off a front tire. We are both now having our cars outfitted with locking lugnuts.

FI-ance and I both feel punched in the gut. We honestly thought we'd done what we needed to in order to make a smart buy. We had just gotten settled and now we feel we have to abandon ship. The chances of selling the place on the market is pretty small, because of, you know, the child murders and pizza lady rapings. We're trying to get one of those companies that buys houses in any condition to take our first home off our hands at the full price we paid for it so we can make a clean getaway. We're also considering car alarms, The Club, and home security systems.

Another tragedy associated with this whole thing? As FI-ance and I watched the tow guy get my car off his truck at the mechanic I noticed a huge grasshopper in front of us. FI-ance was marveling at the hopper's size and many hoppy colors when tow guy pulled around in my car, hopperson jumps up to avoid the car, hit himself on my bumper and bounced off, landing just in time to get squished by one of my tires. Oh, God the carnage was really unsettling. And you know I'm not a bug/insect lover, but dammit! Hoppy McHopperson was this close to making a clean getaway. If some jerkoff hadn't stolen my wheel that grasshopper would still be alive people. Think about that!